Player profiles

By my reckoning 35 players represented the Academy this season. Please shout up if you have been overlooked. Here is my take on to the individuals concerned. Don't look now if easily offended!

Andy Simpson, The Optician. An able Vice Captain. I think that is how Nina described him! He has been invaluable as a relatively senior player (26!). Despite having to work Saturday mornings he has always arrived on time and for the early part of the season performed the duties of Treasurer with an efficiency that Malcolm Glazer would admire.

Lord Matthew Dixon
DOB: 16 Feb 1969
Nickname: Dicko, Bottle, Lord, Oven, Gull, and a few others that it would not be appropriate to discuss on this family website.
I play a bit like: Anil Kumble on Mogadon
Career Highlight: To captain SCCC 1st XI, but others include winning UCU Cup with UCL; promotion with UC Academicals; hattrick v Doncaster; 3 centuries for SCCC
Career Lowlight: None, take the rough with the smooth
Toughest Opponent faced: Mark Durden-Smith, Fraser Hines, Craig Burley
Best player played with: Dr Julian Thompson, David Ward, Hopefully Jim Love and Michael Burns to carry me through Brazil and Chile tour.
Biggest Influence on your career: Lager
Describe yourself in 5 words: it'd be rude not to
Weaknesses: Blue Cheese, bridges, Observer crossword, bowling too many googlies to left-handers, lack of oxygen, glass jaw
If I hadn't been a Collegiate player... I'd be playing golf, and not be able to look at myself in the mirror
In 5 years time I will be: Married with 4 kids (all mine!!)
Something interesting you didn't know about me: My paternal grandmother is a member of the Batchelor family of mushy pea fame
Current Car: in this country… Audi A3

Ben Shaw
DOB: 15/04/1974
Nickname:None, that I am aware of!
I play a bit like: A man with no arms
Career Highlight:Skippering the team who won the Percy Crookes 6 a side competition for the first time in the clubs history.
Career Lowlight: Being run out for a platinum duck by Matt Root on debut against the MCC
Toughest Opponent faced: Archie Smales
Best player played with:Joe Root (he will be)
Biggest Influence on your career:Andy and Nigel Tasker
Describe yourself in 5 words: In Cricket terms - Rubbish but tries very hard
Weaknesses: Most aspects of the game of cricket
If I hadn't been a Collegiate player... I'd be a member of the Castleford Six
In 5 years time I will be:Hopefully still trying to score runs/take wickets in the 8th team
Something interesting you didn't know about me: I am banned from ever being a member of the MCC for taking the membership Sec's wicket with a really bad delivery.
Current Car:Porshe 911
Ideal woman:All of them after a few beers

Matt Butler
DOB: 20/07/73
Nickname:Butts, Seymour
I play a bit like: a bloke who wishes he was a bit younger and a bit better at cricket and still hates losing.
Career Highlight:Playing midweek cricket against a team of cartoon characters!
Career Lowlight: When I realised that I wasn't going to get any better
Toughest Opponent faced: Steve Foster
Best player played with:Chris Townsend (School Captain went onto play first class for Oxford Uni)
Biggest Influence on your career:W H Oliver (grandad)
Describe yourself in 5 words: I will do that tomorrow
Weaknesses: leg stump, low bowling arm, standing up to Parsy!
If I hadn't been a Collegiate player... I'd be shopping a lot on Saturdays
In 5 years time I will be:Hopefully not shopping on Saturdays
Something interesting you didn't know about me: I was born in Germany and went to public school.
Current Car:Kia Sportage
Ideal woman:My wife

David Jones
DOB: 07.11.68
Nickname: I think the opposition crowd used to call me Both Ends as in Get him on at.
I play a bit like: Ian Botham. We're both a lot better since we retired.
Career Highlight:Hitting the winning runs in the Auckland Cricket association One day final. Spending the night in hospital after an enthusiastic celebration took the gloss of it slightly!
Career Lowlight: The moment when I could wait for the next game to start.
Toughest Opponent faced: Friday Night.
Best player played with:Graham Thorpe. It's just a pity we played for England together at football!
Biggest Influence on your career:S Blanc ( New Zealand)
Describe yourself in 5 words: Struggling for vaguely humurous replies.
Weaknesses: I was far too understanding of the individual characteristsics of my team mates, particluarly as Captain.
If I hadn't been a Collegiate player... Ken Benjamin would have been given the credit for somebody else's wickets.
In 5 years time I will be:still able to put a penalty passed Wyles every Sunday morning in the De La salle warm up with ease.
Something interesting you didn't know about me: I don't owe anyone anything!
Current Car:Focus. Hence the above answer!

Mr Angry
DOB: 21st January 1892
Nickname: Mark, Waz, JK
I play a bit like: John Snow
Career Lowlight: series of Achilles tendon issues, hopefully now under control. Being bowled out for 70 before lunch for Bristol University v Glamorgan II.
Career Highlight: getting 5-fer v Glamorgan II and beating them by 5 runs in same game. Winning a single stump bowl-out when 10 to get into school team. Selected for West of England under 15s. Getting 15 first class scalps in one season when playing for Bristol. Not a highlight, but for SCCC beating Barnsley in the semi- final of the cup a few years ago was really enjoyable. Hitting Swallow for 6 first ball in the final of the Sheffield Midweek cup v Sheffield United to silence the cackling WAGs and to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. There are many other great times.
Toughest Opponent faced: I've played against a lot of good players, some famous, but I always looked forward to playing against people like Hants and Pursehouse at Hundall, the first because you got such a good analysis of your own batting from his field setting against you and the second because I've enjoyed the intensity of the competition while batting and bowling against him.

Ian Davey
DOB: 14th May 1972
Nickname:Davey, Tubby Decided, Betty, Bully and a long list of unexplained ones by Ravi.
I play a bit like: Bully or Ian Austin, but would love to have been a bit more like Merv Hughes but the `tash just wont work for me.
Career Highlight:For Collegiate, probably a bit of batting practice at Parkhead last May or 5 fer 6 against Treeton as the gloom descended and skipper Heslop asked me to bowl anything so long as it was off a short run-up. A couple of hat-tricks, promotions and a few runs at other clubs nothing too special. Seeing the current crop of Juniors develop at the club.
Career Lowlight: Too many to mention but probably niggling injuries that have blighted the last couple of seasons. Anything involving fitness and Riaz. Losing my place to the ruddy Juniors.
Toughest Opponent faced: I did bowl at Geoff Boycott aged 9 before a Sunday league game at Bradford Park Av. He whacked me back over my head and I returned to my seat in tears.
Best player played with:Hamps, Blade, Jim and my best man, Andrew Bell.
Biggest Influence on your career:Food.
Describe yourself in 5 words: Enthusiastic, but not very interesting
Weaknesses: Self-deprecation
If I hadn't been a Collegiate player... I’d be on the Golf Course.

Danny Pearson
DOB: 20/01/1974
Nickname:Danno, Snake, The Assasin
I play a bit like: A wounded badger
Career Highlight:Watching Burnsy physically fall apart at Stanton in the Peak
Career Lowlight: Not winning any leagues, at all, ever, with Old Edwardians or Collegiate
Toughest Opponent faced: All of them
Best player played with: Ashy
Biggest Influence on your career:Andrew Langdale
Describe yourself in 5 words: Cuddly, Sensual Brunette, GSOH, Mouthy
Weaknesses: Batting, Bowling and Fielding
If I hadn't been a Collegiate player... Playing for Sheffield Works and winning stuff.
In 5 years time I will be:Playing for Collegiate 8ths
Something interesting you didn't know about me: I once captiained OECC 2nds for a year and saw Leips get some runs.
Current Car:Golf
Ideal woman:Bella Emberg or any of the Roly Polys

Mark Longley
DOB: 08/04/1972
Nickname:Longers, Waif, Crab, Ollie Reed, Symonds, Jack & Occasionally Mark
I play a bit like: A left handed less powerful, less talented, white Andrew Symonds
Career Highlight:Winning the Under 13 National Knockout in 1984 - an early peak
Career Lowlight: 1985 onwards
Toughest Opponent faced: Haidar Jahangir @ Wickersley
Best player played with:Michael Vaughan
Biggest Influence on your career:My mum!
Describe yourself in 5 words: Gifted, natural, powerful, enigmatic, modest
Weaknesses: Beer and balls that pitch anywhere near the stumps or near my body
If I hadn't been a Collegiate player... The club would have never had such a talented number 11
In 5 years time I will be:About to reach my second peak
Something interesting you didn't know about me: I was the 6th member of Take That
Current Car:Audi A4 Cabriolet
Ideal woman:My wife Liz!

Tommy Bartles
DOB: 21/04/1987
Nickname:Leo, Spice Boy, Barts
I play a bit like: Monty Panesar
Career Highlight:Captaining Sheffield United under 14s to England national finals and being Yorkshire Champions (and bowling Wyles)
Career Lowlight: Getting hit for 32 in an over
Toughest Opponent faced: Dominic Ostler
Best player played with:Ketts, Greg Matthews
Biggest Influence on your career:Me Unfortunately
Describe yourself in 5 words: Very Energetic and very impatient
Weaknesses: Straight ball
If I hadn't been a Collegiate player... Id have got a proper job last summer
In 5 years time I will be:Hairier
Something interesting you didn't know about me: Nothing cant keep intersting things quiet
Current Car:None stolen and gotten written off by a mate!
Ideal woman:Jennifer Aniston 8 years younger

Richard 'Filth' Tasker
DOB: 17/01/1976
Nickname:like i need to tell it on here
I play a bit like: a blind man at times!
Career Highlight:ton at wath
Career Lowlight: any game played with lieper skippering!!
Toughest Opponent faced: william root
Best player played with:my dad, ian bishop, kenny benjamin, and simon myles in the back garden
Biggest Influence on your career:my dad, matt root
Describe yourself in 5 words: dirty, filthy, disgusting, smelly, lothario
Weaknesses: women and beer
If I hadn't been a Collegiate player... always gonna be
In 5 years time I will be:same old i guess
Something interesting you didn't know about me: you lot know everything there is to know
Current Car:very dirty volvo
Ideal woman: ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!

Geoff Layer
DOB:31-10-55
Nickname:OBE
I play a bit like: Chris Tavare having a bad day
Career Highlight: Hat trick against Baslow when Jim Soulsby got one from the other end
Career Lowlight: Relegation 2 seasons ago
Toughest Opponent faced: Imran Khan in his garden and Robin Hobbs
Best player played with: Imran Khan in his garden
Biggest Influence on your career: Collegiate
Describe yourself in 5 words: Patient, gregarious,tolerant
Weaknesses: Slow, can't see, can't catch,can't throw
If I hadn't been a Collegiate player... .I would never have met so many great players
In 5 years time I will be: I will have played adult club cricket in 6 decades
Something interesting you didn't know about me: The livestock includes one horse and one dog and I don't drink much
Current Car: Saab convertible
Ideal woman:my daughter obviously

Rob Barlow
DOB: 27/11/1982
Nickname:Blunkett, Les, Diedrie, Chaffinch, Tarn
I play a bit like: Stephen McPhail
Career Highlight: Playing for England Schools. Recently Winning YL Cup is a good un for sure. Drinking till 4 in morning, then taking 7fer and getting 70odd against United a few years back.
Career Lowlight: Games against Caythorpe, Castleford spring to mind.
Toughest Opponent faced: Ketts, Simon Mason, Chris Gilbert (ed- soon to be Wyles)
Best player played with: Clint Heron.
Biggest Influence on your career: Dad, and myself.
Describe yourself in 5 words: 5 Words is not enough.
Weaknesses: Horses and Prostitutes
If I hadn't been a Collegiate player... Never stolen Colegate's virginity from the dressing room.
In 5 years time I will be: Dead.
Something interesting you didn't know about me: I lead a double life. Respectable boyfriend by night, and loudmouth, gambler and drinker at the weekends.
Current Car: Corsa
Ideal woman: tea lady at Cleethorpes

Riaz Richards
Nickname:Dazzle
I play a bit like: Viv Richards (I wish)
Career Highlight: Playing at Newlands and sweeping six into railway line.
Career Lowlight: losing any match
Toughest Opponent faced: Lal Faraz (faced him 4 times, got me out 4 times)
Best player played with: Alan Hampshire
Biggest Influence on your career: Vincent Barnes (S.A. Assistant coach)
Describe yourself in 5 words: Honest, loyal, respectful, ambitious, caring
Weaknesses: Weaknesses: I'm far too lazy
If I hadn't been a Collegiate player... If I hadn't been a Collegiate player... I'd be freezing my a** off back home in winter.
In 5 years time I will be: 4 years retired!
Something interesting you didn't know about me: I've been bitten by a horse!
Current Car: None
Ideal woman: Too many to mention